As I get older I am learning more about myself. I have been a chronic people pleasure and afraid to upset others. I often softened this by wrapping it in labels like, kind, Christian, and remaining humble. As I approach 40 and see myself with a more authentic lens, I see the fear and anxiety that I’m actually wrapped it. While doing the work to unraveling this false narrative I have become more sensitive to how I feel in the presence of others and choosing to seek wisdom from Godly, more grounded individuals. I’m see that the impact others are having on me is the result of poor boundaries in some places and more ridged boundaries in others. I do have healthy boundaries in areas that I am more comfortable in.
As I’ve been working through this pattern of living, so much is being revealed that I find myself having to forgive myself. When I consider what I’ve allowed or ignored for the sake of avoiding the discomfort of someone else’s feelings, possible rejection, and looking at my own disfunction, I’m saddened and a bit angry. I’m sad because the lack of boundaries has opened the door to some not so friendly experiences and relationships, as well as betrayal. I am angry because I was so focused on being “GOOD” that at times, I missed out on being me, which I now know, is better. The Good Girl mentality often leads to ignoring our owns needs and wants for the sake of others. We shrink to fulfill the wishes, wants, and demands of others. This is often why we are labeled as kind, gentle, and humble by those who have benefited from our lack of boundaries, specifically our challenges with say ‘no’ and confronting their inappropriate behavior of others.
The root issues of poor boundaries are nestle in thoughts that are fueled by feeling like we are not enough. I’m learning how strongly this is wrapped in a religious spirit. Greatbiblestudy.com says that “religious spirit is a demon that wages war against the grace of God in our lives and acceptance of Jesus’ work as true fulfillment of God’s covenant between God and man.” The article goes on to indicate that a sign of religious spirit is feeling that we are not good enough. I have read and pondered this perspective for weeks now, and when I look at myself clearly I can agree. This is not of God and is not ushering me closer to him but further away. It causes my prayers to be shorter and feeling as though God is tired of hearing me. The more I seek a relationship with the father the more the enemy wants me to remain stuck in feeling that I will never be good enough. This is the cycle. A detrimental cycle that keeps kingdom building and Godly assignments just out of view. It maintains a lens that is constricted to everything that is wrong in us.
As I learn more and grow into myself as God sees me, I choose to acknowledge the past as information and to walk out of cycles that the enemy set up for me. I choose to accept grace that I have never, and will never deserve. I choose to walk in freedom that was given without hesitation and to come out of agreement with every religious spirit that subtly or blatantly tries to keep me bound.
Boundaries are necessary, boundaries are loving, boundaries are biblical.
Thank you for listening.
SEEDS of LOVE 