This month I turned 37. I planned to rrreeaallyyy celebrate this year. Typically, I spend my birthday or birthday weekend with family. The yearly BBQ to celebrate the July birthdays in our family has become an expected event. I decided at the beginning of the year that I would celebrate differently, something special and exciting. This was/is my attempt to celebrate me since I enthusiastically listed that on my 2019 list of goals. As the month grew closer I solicited ideas on how to celebrate. I also declared that I would do something every month this year to celebrate the small victories. Midway through the year and I’ve barely scratched the surface of my goals and my birthday…..was spent with family and my BFF.
Although frustrating, this is typical. This is my ongoing battle… set goals, get anxious, over think, consider everything that disqualifies me or what negative responses I might receive, procrastinate and then the goal disappears into an abyss. This dark, deep, bottomless chasm, houses many bright ideas. It is also what feeds my depression. That place where every good, fun, and exciting thought I’ve had seems to find itself. Often ushered in by my insecurities and fears. Yet, posted in front of it, in an attempt to disguise this empty tomb, is a sign, Faith Lives Here.
It’s a true statement, I definitely have faith and depressive episodes. I feel resistant to saying it at times. It seems like everyone has it, along with anxiety. I have, in the past, felt that my faith quickly diminished these depressed feelings. Some times it does, and some times it takes much longer. Being saved does not instantly remove the thorn of depression from my side. Likewise being depressed doesn’t remove the faith I possess.
What I’ve learned: Salvation is a step. Faith is a journey that may include depression.
SEEDS of LOVE 